Day 1
I write these posts for the food addict who still suffers… including me. I don’t say that for your pity or admiration, but as a caution that my experience, strength and hope is tempered by food addiction.
Last night I broke after a week of abstinence with what I am sure would qualify as my first real binge. Gregory was out of town. My body was barely containing feelings of a very uncomfortable, stirred-up energy which I connect to the process of losing weight… 5 pounds over the last week. That uncomfortable energy was on top of the 20-second episodes of dread I’ve been having several times a day lately, which precede a hot flash. The dread is like the anxiety that overwhelmed me for months following the accident of January 2011. So, I would say that fear was the precursor to this break.
Somehow I assumed that I was in a safe place. I had been at incredible 12-step meetings yesterday morning and the day before, but those meetings alone did not protect me.
My healing path, my spiritual community, my 12-step Recovery program, is one of action. Here are the actions I did not take this weekend. I did not get on my knees to pray. I did not take Quiet Time. I did not read the 24 Hour a Day Book. I did not write down my food for the day. I did not make three phone calls to fellows in my program. I did not eat perfectly weighed and measured meals with nothing in between. I ate an extra spoonful here and took milk in my coffee there. I did not call before I took the bite.
This cunning disease convinced me that I could have one portion of a sugar food last night and that would be it. I did not even consider the possibility that it would lead to more, or that I might regain the weight I had so carefully given away.
So I had this horrible binge. The feelings of discomfort, dread and fear never really changed that much; and I spent the night with esophageal reflux (which I’ve never had before), and terrible cramps in my right leg, and feelings of regret, embarrassment and shame.
I am discovering that since returning to life after the accident of January 2011, my disease has progressed. At the same time I have been selective with the tools of my program. Not a good combination. I have been trying to call the shots by following my will. I have been sabotaging myself.
It’s time to be kind to myself. Because this disease has gotten stronger, I need to counter it with stronger measures of kindness.
I’m going to make a checklist of all of the tools, so that I won’t forget any of them as I have done so conveniently in the past. Now, each day I will check them off as I do them.
It’s abundantly clear to me today that I am powerless over food and alcohol; and that my life has become unmanageable. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I have decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of G-d as I understand G-d.
Thank G-d for this program. Thank G-d for my wise and compassionate sponsor. Thank G-d for my fellow food addicts who understand me. Thank G-d for this opportunity to start fresh.
I pray that I will look back on this experience on the first night of Rosh Hashanah, 1 Tishrei 5773, as the lesson it took to teach me a daily way of life for peace and happiness.
May we all have a a good new year filled with the sweetness of apples.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Hi Valerie
Thanks for your beautiful and honest writing. Happy New Year to you and Gregory, and heres hoping for a year of abstinence, one day at a time.
xo
Roberta
Dear Cousin, One day at a time! What a perfect message for this perfect moment. Thank you. Love you. L’shana tova. Valerie
It’s easy to grow and change in an atmosphere of love. Let LOVE surround you and let go of the regret. You are meant to be perfect. Except your destiny!
Dear Melanie, It is all about love. Amazing. And it’s all around. Thank you for the reminder to let go and let it in. Love & Light, Valerie
I’m so glad to see you alive that I forget what you still are going through. I know you are now a “big girl”, but I hope you will keep in mind that I am here, very close by, and I can listen to you without denying your present reality. You were seeking “comfort”. I am willing to walk beside you in that search, as are all the fellows who are so willing to share the path you are on.
Devotedly, mom
Hiya Mamala! You make me smile. Yes, I’m a big girl… of nearly 60 (in two and a half years anyway). It is very comforting to know that you are so close by. And I’m very grateful that you listen to me with unconditional love and acceptance. I’m a lucky big girl. Lots of love, Valerie
Valerie,
Thank you for sharing with us a very painful episode in your day yesterday. I have faith in you and your commitment to “a better life” , that I know you will be able to get back on track, so to speak. I continue to keep you in my daily prayers. You will succeed, one day at a time, I know.
Fondly,
Theolyn
Dear Theolyn, I am truly touched by your kindness and understanding. Thank you ever so much for your faith in me and your prayers. Love & Light, Valerie
Erich Schiffmann says: Love is the willingness to recognize that which is True. You are the embodiment of Love, and so is everyone else; this requires us to let go of our judgments/assessments about ourselves and others. See: God expressed. The Truth is: Love expressed.
Dear Cathryn, I want to know more about what you’ve written here. I know there’s something calling to me that I’m not quite touching yet. Shall we meet again soon? How about a cuppa? Love & Light, Valerie
Yes
You are being perfectly honest with yourself and others. You own what is yours to own. You can look back and see what led to falling off the beam. You have the skills and the strength. To BE HONEST. You are loved. I love you!