I’m enjoying the aftereffects of the coaching conference I attended this week.
It generated in me a mood of inquiry and curiosity. I’ve been noticing beliefs as they pop up and feeling happy to consider other interpretations.
Yesterday, I shared with a group of 12-step fellows my understanding that abstinence in our program is a tool. It’s not the end all and be all. It’s not the goal of our program. Our “liturgy”, the preamble to every meeting, even describes abstinence as a tool of recovery.
“ABSTINENCE: We obtain abstinence from addictive eating by weighing, measuring, and committing our food to a qualified sponsor. We have found that we must abstain completely from all flour and sugar.”
In my interpretation of our guidelines, the tool of abstinence is one of eight tools; but the big goal of program is “happy, joyous and free.”
Then I heard from another fellow who I love and respect. She said that, yes, abstinence is a tool, but it helps her to think of it on a much higher plane than the other seven tools. She spoke about the importance of meetings, writing, and literature, but that she’s not always able to keep up these practices perfectly. However, she protects and cherishes and prays for her continued abstinence every day.
Wow! My mind and heart opened. I reflected that my belief was OK as far as it went, but she presented another interpretation that offered a further way forward into recovery.
The story I’m telling myself is that it’s OK to have a thought that is absolute, for instance that abstinence is just another tool, as long as I notice that it’s a perception and not necessarily reality.
It’s an assessment on my part, a judgment, an interpretation, a way to think about something.
Noticing that I am perceiving my idea as absolutely true — that it’s a perception — gives me a chance to open my mind to other options, to consider other powerful questions, to notice that I could change my mind and think quite differently.
I can experiment with my thinking to see the effects of considering my idea one way or the other. What is the gift and what is the shadow of thinking I’m right? What is the gift and what is the shadow of thinking I’m wrong? What is the gift and what is the shadow of thinking I might be onto to something, but I’m not completely sure about it?
I can notice that my perception can shift 180 degrees with more information or with a change of mood.
Taking a look at how I look at things helps me to become a more powerful observer. I can flourish. My relationships become more creative and generative. I have permission to be a beginner.
Love & Light,
Valerie
yes,
and it takes a lot of courage and humbleness.
I find it curious that in these insecure times the word ” absolutely” has become a word of fashion, used on the radio and by many people.
congratulations, Valerie, i love when it happens that reality is nudging a shift in perception.
nicola
Hi Nicola,
That’s so interesting. It’s my experience, too, that the word “absolutely” is ubiquitous.
The connection you’ve made between insecurity and a desire for absolute answers makes sense to me. I’ve sometimes wondered if fear is at the root of fundamentalist thinking.
So, for some people, thinking in black and white might be calming, while thinking in color might be much too scary.
I hope you are enjoying your beautiful place today!
Love & Light,
Valerie
and so the saying goes, “Begin again.”
Yup, Cathryn. Also known as “resume.”
Love & Light,
Valerie
… and do you know the meaning of this mudra?
I believe it is the mudra Vitarka: represents the transmission of the Buddha’s teachings, with opening for debate and constructive argument, and the sharing of knowledge without the impediment of fear. The placement on a doorway is an interesting metaphor: opening the door to new understanding/knowledge in the Light of compassionate debate? Seems very appropriate for your post!
Thanks for asking- it was fun to research a little bit!
Love.
Thank you for the research, dear Yogini!
It does seem appropriate.
It looks so familiar, I keep thinking I used it someplace else, but that’s OK.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Wow, that is a wonderful insight. Thank you for using this picture with this post, Valerie!
I liked this post a lot, especially the set of questions around what is the gift, what is the shadow. Made me think and is going to keep me thinking. Made me feel opened up and that there’s always something to catch me if my perceptions change; there is always learning and growing, deepening and widening.
I’ve wanted to thank you, for a long time, for your kind offer to email you privately if if would help. I appreciated the offer so much and didn’t have the energy to respond but that offer was an ongoing support and I’m glad to tell you that David has taught all semester–a wonderful thing for him–and that his MRI on Thursday showed no change in the brian tumor and the doctor visit was good.
Thank you for the post today–all posts and all kind offers!
Dear Deborah,
How good to connect with you. Thank you very much for writing in. Seeing your name lifted my heart.
I’m so moved to hear that David taught all semester. Ordinary life can be incredibly wonderful.
I will continue to hold you both in the Light with Love.
Valerie
Valerie –
Interestingly, I had just been having an imaginary conversation with some of my friends who hold strong – one might say rigid – religious beliefs. They take comfort in the certainty of their answers, and cannot fathom the idea of embracing the mystery of things … that is, being okay with not having an explanation for the workings of the universe or even (or especially) of one’s own life. I think of what Gilda Radner referred to as “delicious ambiguity” :
“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
Abstinence. Wow, I hadn’t really thought of it in terms of being one of several tools … to me it has always been an absolute, like sobriety. Possibly because we impose some pretty big consequences on ourselves if we don’t practice that tool? So you have caused a bit of a shift in my own perception here. Thanks!
– Em
Hi Em,
I have a friend who says, “Whenever I deny reality I lose.”
When I accept ambiguity, not knowing, and having to change I feel like I am more attuned to my own reality. Not always a comfortable place, but with a greater opportunity for making choices leading to more happiness.
Holding abstinence as a tool, helps me to use it towards the greater goal of “happy, joyous and free.” I see the real connection between the two for me. Therefore, I don’t resent abstinence. I’m grateful for it.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Well said. Abstinence does not equal serenity, but it helps us find it.