These dancers in motion as captured by Bill stir my heart.
It’s been a busy week here at the “ranch”. We’re getting ready for our day in court… more likely our week or two in court. Gregory and I will be going to Puerto Rico for a civil trial in federal court before a jury beginning April 23. My sister, Louise, will join us there. This is to present our case for compensation by the insurance companies of the driver who hit and ran over me while he was intoxicated (testing three times the legal limit for blood alcohol).
So far, there is nothing to suggest that there will be a settlement. Five thousand pages of medical records; nearly 4 months of hospitalization; $1.2 million in billed medical expenses; more than a year of missed work; lots of continuing therapy; and experts ready to testify to my current medical, neuromuscular, spinal cord, and psychiatric condition and potential future care, are not enough to convince the driver or his insurance companies to settle within policy limits.
Apparently, only a jury will be able to resolve this impasse.
For me, this adventure is presenting challenges on so many levels. I am facing fears of how I will feel leaving home, leaving Miranda the Labradoodle, traveling to and from the airports, and seeing the scene of the accident. I’m facing the fear that that something could happen to Gregory or Louise while we are there.
I wonder if I’ll have the cognitive reserve to concentrate during the trial. My ability to focus seems to be the first thing to go. Sometimes it’s related to mental exertion, physical weariness or pain; sometimes anxiety or depression; and I understand that this cognitive fatigue could be related to post traumatic stress injury or the hypoxia I experienced due to lung contusions and the MRSA pneumonia.
I’m pretty sharp for a period of time and then I crash. Everybody starts to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Blah, blah, blah.” Eight hours a day of testimony. Good grief.
What will happen to my body? I’ll stand. I’ll elevate my leg. Gregory will massage my back. Maybe they’ll let me curl up on a couple of chairs with a pillow.
Well, other than a melt-down Saturday night after hearing that the trial would last “at least a week,” some good coping mechanisms have been coming my way.
Saturday night as I was trying all my various techniques to quell a panic attack, I heard my psychiatrist say, “You might need extra medication during this time.” I took my Klonopin early and gave myself an extra ½ tab. Within minutes I was calm and could see myself, sitting in my bathing suit by a pool in Puerto Rico. Within short order, I knew I absolutely had to go to my 12-step meeting in the morning; and that abstinence from flour and sugar was essential – no question about it.
Sunday morning I went to my 12-step meeting. It was a sharing meeting and every message spoke volumes to me. I was reminded of how much the connection of this fellowship means to me. It supports me. I’m one of a tribe of spiritual warriors. We build and protect our spiritual reserve through our tools of prayer, Quiet Time, conversations with our sponsor, readings, meetings, phone calls, three weighed and measured meals a day, no flour or sugar, and nothing in between. I need my spiritual reserve to be as strong as possible right now. That means doing the tools.
On Monday morning I told my sponsor about a conversation with Heather L who said, “The experience of facing fear is a gift. Not everyone gets to know that they have courage.”
During my regular Tuesday session of EMDR therapy for PTSD, I heard my friend Nancy H saying, “I’m in the hands of G-d, and I’m perfectly and utterly safe.” The words were accompanied by an image of me being held like a baby. Then I imagined Gregory and Louise and myself, sitting in the courtroom in Old San Juan, wrapped in baby blankets, safe and comfy.
Today, one of my doctors said, “Keep hope alive.”
So, as we say, I’m going to suit up and show up. One day at a time we’ll get through it. I’ll never be alone. Gregory will be with me. And there are some beautiful people in Puerto Rico just waiting to hold us close. They are called Indiano & Williams.
Thank you, G-d.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Dear Valerie
John and I will hold you and your team of Gregory and Louise in the LIGHT….you are a warrior of LIGHT you will be given all that you need…….Love is surrounding you and blooming within. Trust this goodness….I know this is true…my little emerging blog says Love is greater than fear…it is true! Blessings for your further journey of transformation…………
Dear Carol,
Thank you. Your encouragement is just what I needed to receive this morning.
Tell me more about your emerging blog!
Love & Light,
Valerie
Dearest girl, I am so glad that you will have GRegory and Louise with you in Puerto Rico, and you will have all your guardians who love you and have traveled this road with you. They know what you have suffered – the people who came to your aid when you were so grievously injured – the people who took care of you and helped you overcome much that you have suffered – and now, those who would help you and those who have assisted in this long journey. I saw the awful pain you suffered. I heard you cry out when your nurse insisted that you stand for the first time in many months, while she pulled you into her arms. At that moment you weren’t brave, you were terrified and your fear broke my heart. You and those who brought you back to us, and those who continue to work with you to rebuild your body and your emotional and mental health deserve recompense. Tell me what I can do for you. Ask me anything. I am here for you. mom
Thank you, Mom.
Now everyone reading this knows what a blessing it is to have a loving mother.
Of course, this being a conversation I will respond with a slightly different perspective.
Yes, I was terrified when I first “stood”. I was afraid that I would injure the physical therapist who was lifting my 6 foot body of dead weight into a semi-upright position. And it’s true, the sensation of no muscles activating from the waist down was terrifying. But I did it! Right? That’s courage. To go ahead and do something that is scary.
As Heather L says, “It’s a gift to experience one’s own courage. Not everyone gets the chance.”
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the place where it feels like a gift in the moment, but it does now looking back.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Val, I don’t know anyone who is stronger than you are, even though you may not feel it. You can get through this. Recharge yourself when you can with the beauty of Puerto Rico. It was so good to hear your voice Wednesday when you called- perfect timeing- the one day I really felt awful. You really helped me so much- I am taking your advice and feel better. Think of all of the people who are thinking of you and supporting you although they are not physically there. You are walking in with hundreds of friends and family who love you. I would not be surprised if your side of the court was glowing with all the positive energy coming your way.
Here’s to a safe trip, some time to enjoy the place this time, and a good outcome. Puerto Rico owes you a better experience! Thank you again and good luck!
Thank you, Betsy!!! It’s so nice to be helping each other! I love your image of our side of the courtroom glowing with positive energy. Delightful. Big hug, Love & Light, Valerie
Oh Valerie. This brings tears to my eyes. Your courage does truly shine throughout all your words. The honesty, the self-awareness, the acknowledgment of fear – it all reveals a stunning inner strength. It will be so good to have Louise and Gregory there with you to be your eyes and ears, and advocates as well. You have us surrounding you with love & light from a distance. And to have a mom like Myra – well! That will keep you held in loving arms throughout, for sure. I pray that the insurance companies do the right thing. And that your lawyers and whoever else might be able to ensure it, win this case so you can put this part of the journey behind you as best you can. Focus on the breath, use whatever methods you need – medication to meditation – to feel present. You will get through this and that’s all that counts.
May there be lots of warm, gentle sunshine to melt any tension in your body while you are there. It wasn’t the island that hurt you; it was the drunk driver….
Bless your heart, Kit. You brought a big smile to my face with, “medication or meditation”! I also felt my whole body relax with, “It wasn’t the island that hurt you.” Beautiful. Gosh. Thank you. Love & Light, Valerie
Thoughts and prayers are with you my friend. I know in my heart you will be fine. Do whatever it takes…..and come back to us to share all your experiences, so we can all grow with you.
Dear Terri, This is a wonderful perspective — a way to all grow together. I’m adding it to my assortment of tools. Thank you. Love & Light, Valerie
Valerie,
In the hands of God says it all. I’ve been anxious and stressed and increasingly forgetful and I’m reminded that it’s stressful when half of our income is looking for work, and when I have a disease of unknown trajectory, and am working full time, and trying to fit in recovery, physical, mental and spiritual, including singing lessons, piano lessons, exercise, meditation, outreach, meetings, alternative therapies and coming up two clinical trials. And in between stuffing my face with extra and anxiety about the present and the future, I find myself in the hands of God, comforted by the certainty that everything is as it should be. The hands of God come to me visually, like the holy card picture of large, strong, male, well lit hands, draped sleeve, and the corresponding feeling of safety and security. I extend my hands and through them the hands that hold all of us together and with love, and receive back from you a cup of loving kindness. Thank you, dear friend. Love and Light, and godspeed, Betsy
Beautiful, Betsy, beautiful Betsy.
How fortunate you are to be able to stand up for all those who have been victimized by drunk drivers but did not “live to tell the tale.” As stressful as this will undoubtedly be, know that you are doing a noble thing by pursuing justice. I’m sure that you will present your testimony with characteristic intelligence and grace; I only wish I could be there to see how moved the judge and jury will be by your presence and your remarks.
Dear Marilyn, Thank you for your kind comment. I was thinking of you this very morning and wondering when I’ll get to see your play and read your writing. Please keep me in the loop. Love & Light, Valerie
You will do well I’m sure Val. You don’t need to catch everything that happens every minute – that’s what your team is there for _ Gregory and Louise will back you up (as always). And remember – you don’t need to be strong for the jury. They are there to understand that you were hurt – so its OK if they see that you were. They will see the medical info and be amazed that you can be there at all. So curl up in a blanket whenever you need to!
Sending you love from a quick trip to London!
Anne and Bob
Dear Anne and Bob, Just the mention of a quick trip to London is encouraging! Of course I deeply appreciate the wisdom you are sharing here. I know whereof you speak. You are coming from vast experience. Your strength and hope have inspired thousands, including me. Thank you for the advice. Enjoy London! Love & Light, Valerie
Dear Anne and Bob, Just the mention of a quick trip to London is encouraging! Of course I deeply appreciate the wisdom you are sharing here. I know whereof you speak. You are coming from vast experience. Your strength and hope have inspired thousands, including me. Thank you for the advice. Enjoy London! Love & Light, Valerie