“I’ve got this!” That’s my cue for… FAILURE!

I’m a slow learner and a fast forgetter. Of all the practices that are essential to my life, good health and happiness, there are only a few that have become a solid habit. Brushing my teeth is one. The rest I have to work on maintaining every single day.

As soon as I hear myself say, “I’ve got this. I’m going to do this from now on. No problem,” I can be assured that, either that day or the next, I will have lost it completely. I will almost immediately go from, “I’ve got this,” to “I’ll just change it a little,” to “I can do it my way,” to “I’ll do it tomorrow for sure,” to “I’m probably fine. I don’t need this anymore.” Much later — days, weeks or months later — I wake up saying, “I lost it. Oh, no.”

It’s much, much harder for me to get back to success from failure, than to keep success going. Here are some of the areas I can run into trouble, even when the risk of damage is extraordinarily high.

I have a weak left hip. My weak left hip is a permanent result of nerve damage and muscle atrophy. Unless I practice clam shells and leg lifts, and engage the hip with every step I take, keeping my left leg in its own lane, I run the risk of falls. I literally trip myself up. So, you would think that I would do those exercises religiously, without any outside help. I can do it on my own… for a day or two. Then I feel better and I forget that this is a permanent condition. Until I cue success.

I am prone to incontinence. Incontinence is a permanent result of my spinal cord injury. I know that I must go to the bathroom when I can, and not wait until I have to go; otherwise I run the risk of not making it to the bathroom in time. So, you would think that, as soon as I notice the call of nature, I would scoot off immediately. I can do it on my own… for a few weeks following an incident. And then I forget that this is a permanent condition. Until I cue success.

I have sleep apnea. It’s not going away. I should automatically place those “nasal pillows” on my face every time I may fall asleep, whether it’s for a nap or a long night. Sleep apnea is life threatening. Complications of sleep apnea are high blood pressure, stroke, atrial fibrillation, congestive heart failure and sudden death from a cardiac event. Woo-hoo!! So, you would think… You know the rest of this story.

I am a food addict. Food addiction can’t be cured, but it can be arrested a day at a time by the action of weighing and measuring our food and abstaining completely from all flour and sugar. Food addiction for me manifested as 90 pounds over my current weight; fear, doubt, and insecurity; high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cardiac asthma; a mental obsession with food; and an inability to stop eating flour and sugar and drinking alcohol. I found Recovery through the tools of a 12-step program. So, you would think that I would practice the tools of my program faithfully on my own, without help. In fact, I’m only able to do my small part to cue up success.

To cue success in all of these areas, I’m learning to surrender to a path of Recovery, one day at a time, in everything I do.

On a successful day I make an honest commitment to G-d, to myself and to another person to do the work. I create an environment that supports doing the work. I set a daily rhythm in motion according to the clock. I ask G-d and others for help. I listen to others who have also struggled and see myself in them. If I find myself thinking, “I’ve got this,” I recognize it as delusion. At the end of the day I thank G-d for another day of progress… even when I haven’t been perfect.

I know for sure that the fewer program tools I practice, the more I’m at risk for all sorts of  mental, physical and spiritual ailments. Self-knowledge avails me nothing. The only thing that protects me is practice, practice, practice.

Yesterday, I asked G-d for help, did 30 minutes of Quiet Time, read 12-step literature, prayed, took sponsee calls, and weighed and measured my food. I didn’t do my clam shells or leg lifts. I did engage my hip with walking and kept my leg in its own lane. I went to the bathroom on time. I didn’t put on my nasal pillows for sleep apnea. I didn’t thank G-d for the progress I am making.

I also lived life. I enjoyed a full, rich day.

I did well enough. And I can do better.

It’s true. I have a daily reprieve and I receive many blessings as long as I do the work… one day at a time. There’s no easier or softer way. The only way that works for me takes work.

I am grateful to be living in the solution, not perfect, but making progress.

Love & Light,

Valerie

Image: Lord Hanuman Reciting the Ramayana