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This is the kitchen where we talk about food, life, and recovery—a spiritual path to healing and peace.

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You are invited to keep coming back to A Cup of Kindness to share your experience, strength and hope; fears, doubts and insecurities; and to pick up information, inspiration … and have a little fun!

My story
In January 2007, at the age of 51, I joined a 12-step program and began my recovery from food addiction, losing 75 pounds in the process. Read more…

In January 2011, at the age of 55, I began my recovery from a multi-trauma accident, 36 fractures, damaged lungs, and post traumatic stress. Read more…

I am deeply grateful for all the kindnesses, large and small, offered to me in recovery. Here I am... alive… still making progress … still not perfect … finding a new way forward in a growing community of women and men who share a lot in common around food and life.

I hope you'll join me in this kitchen and let me know what's cooking with you.

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A long way to go…

Rutland Psalter

 

I’m part of a small group reading “The Gift of Our Compulsions” by Mary O’Malley. The conversation has led me to think about the quest to love oneself… and what that means to me.

It’s a concept that I’ve resisted for years. It’s actually made me cringe any time someone has said, “Love yourself.” But this time, something in the conversation encouraged me to look with curiosity for language that I could accept and follow.

This morning I thought about 1 Corinthians 13 and re-imagined it in this way.

If I weigh and measure my food but do not have love, the nourishment is empty.

And if I have the gift of sponsoring and comprehend all benefits of abstinence; if I have all faith so as to change my life but do not have love, I am not as well as I could be.

If I give away all my extra pounds, and if I hand my will over so that I may boast how virtuous I am, I gain nothing.

When I am love… when I have love for my self equally to the love I have for others… then… 

I am patient and I am kind to myself. I do not compare myself to others as either better than or less than.

I am not punishing to myself. I do not indulge myself in unhealthy eating or drinking. I am not rigid with myself, nor dogmatic. I do not hold on to anger with myself or resentments against myself.

I recognize when I am in denial. I celebrate clarity and honesty in myself.

I am resilient and hopeful.

I don’t fail myself. 

Wishes, expectations and catastrophizing bring me nothing. (If wishes were horses then beggars would ride and I would have been thin my whole life.)

I only know a part of who I am and what is going on in my life. I am still indistinct.

When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; now that I am growing up, it’s time for me to put aside childish things.

Faith, hope and love will take me to a place where I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

All of this tells me to continue weighing and measuring my food, sponsoring, seeking an abstinent-enough life, changing, staying in a right-size body, and giving up willfulness.

It tells me to accompany these practices with patience, kindness, non-comparing, non-punishing, and non-indulging; to let rigidity, dogma, anger and resentment go as temporary states; to ask myself if I am in denial or being dishonest with myself; to be hopeful; to let go of wishes, expectations and catastrophizing; and to understand that I am still growing… and have a long way to go.

Love & Light,

Valerie

Image: Detail from “The Rutland Psalter”, medieval (c1260), British Library 

 

 

 

Have no fear…

 

zetas-bird-feeder-gardenista

Yesterday I attended our Friends Meeting for Worship Christmas Pageant. Every year it makes me cry.

The young First Day children sit on the facing bench in their homemade costumes, and raise their wooden doves, cows, sheep and stars on sticks at key moments as we sing each Carol. The older children sit with them and take turns reading the Lessons. A lively musical band of Friends plays the Carols, including Monroe on his washtub bass and Mike on the Irish bodhrán drum.

Young teenagers play Mary and Joseph and they enter carrying a newborn baby. It’s the Christmas miracle that starts me crying every year. How is it that we always have a new baby in our Meeting at Christmastime? How is it that, for the whole hour, the baby never, ever cries, but just opens its eyes and gazes at us?

As the story unfolds, child-shepherds guide into the Meeting House two real, live sheep and then two real, live llamas. I cry then, too, and I’m glad that I no longer eat large animals.

This year I noticed something new. The Carols all say “have no fear” in one way or another. Some mention fear and some only mention antidotes to fear.

O Come, All Ye Faithful invites us to be faithful, joyful, adoring, singing in exultation, and happy.

O Little Town of Bethlehem offers the hopes and fears of all the years are met in the everlasting Light, with angels keeping their watch of wondering love, and singing great glad tidings and praise to peace on earth.

Angels We Have Heard sweetly sing of joy and jubilee, gladsome tidings, a heavenly song, praise, and raising our hearts in love.

While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks, the angel comes in glory and tell us fear not. No more mighty dread to seize our troubled minds. There are glad tidings of glory and peace on earth.

Away in a Manger describes a sweet baby, asleep under the stars. And when the cattle low and the baby awakes, he doesn’t cry. He is loved.

The Friendly Beasts remind us that, even though this baby was humbly born in a stable, there was much help. The donkey carried his mother safely. The cow gave him a bed of hay. The sheep gave him wool for a blanket. The dove cooed him to sleep. They all gave their gifts with love.

We Three Kings brought gifts, too, of prayer and praising and redemption.

A Star Filled the Sky calls to us, “Little children, little children, the starlight’s within you. Keep it shining, brightly shining, and your heart will be free.” It says to walk gladly, speak truth in a loving way, teach peace to the people and bring joy to the world.

This is what I need to practice every day… to be not afraid.

Love & Light,

Valerie

 

 

 

 

 

“How do you not eat??”

tea time

 

I’ve gotten this question before. “How do you not eat??”

I know where it’s coming from. Before I found 12-Step Recovery, before I understood that I was a food addict, when it used to cross my mind to eat, in those rare moments when there was enough of a pause to consider the thought, it felt like if I didn’t eat I could die! No joke.

So, how was I finally able to not eat beyond my weighed and measured meals? Here were some of the tools I used. In the beginning I used them every day. Gradually, they became less and less necessary. But life happens, and since my habitual reaction to life is to eat, these tools still come in handy.

Ask G-d for help.

Say, “Thank you, G-d, that’s not my food.” And I used to say, “That’s heroin to me.” And, when catching a glimpse of a decorated sugar/flour product, “What a pretty art project.”

Check for HALT – Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired

Make a phone call to another food addict.

Have a hot drink and a moment of stillness.

Go for a walk.

Jump up and down three times.

Breathe deeply.

Remember that what I do today, I will most likely do tomorrow.

Think, if not today, then when?

Remember, it’s just for today.

A round of yoga sun salutations.

Make a gratitude list.

Play the movie out to the end:

The movie called “Taking the Bite” ends with going to bed miserable… waking up unhappy and in a fog… a headache and a queazy stomach from even a small amount of flour and sugar… gaining weight… struggling with cravings for days after even just one bite… disappointment in myself for not matching my actions to my intentions… fear, doubt, and insecurity… physical, mental and spiritual disconnection.

The movie called “NOT Taking the Bite” ends with a strengthened sense of safety, faith, integrity, and confidence… feeling healthy, happy, joyous and free… peace and serenity… being of service… interest in others… clarity… enhanced intuition… understanding how to handle difficult situations… a closer to connection to Deeper Wisdom and True Compassion… dwelling in Beauty.

Thank you to all those food addicts in recovery for leading the way! I’m not perfect, but, thanks to you, I’m making progress.

Love & Light,

Valerie

 Image: Stefano Faravelli (Italian illustrator, b. 1959) – “Cerimonia del thè” (Tea ceremony)

 

I’m a bit mental today

mind - brain

We say that Recovery from food addiction is three-fold — physical, mental and spiritual.

My mind is on the mental part today.

For me, thinking makes it so. I have at various times been imprisoned by my own thinking and, at other times, been liberated by my thinking.

I’ve found that thinking of certain stories — that I am a food addict… that part of me must die in order for the rest of me to thrive… that part of me must be filled or healed before I can be well — has sometimes helped me to make progress and sometimes not.

This is the story that helps me today. This is the story that I learned as a child from my father. As he used to remark, “When the Buddha said that life was suffering, he wasn’t whistling Dixie.”

What I have come to learn since then is that there is a way out of suffering.

The Four Noble Truths

  1. There is suffering — sometimes translated as dissatisfaction.
  2. The cause of suffering is craving and clinging to what is pleasurable; and aversion to and avoiding discomfort.
  3. The way out of suffering comes about when we put an end to craving and clinging and aversion and avoiding.
  4. The way to put an end to craving and clinging and aversion and avoiding, is to follow the Noble Eightfold Path.

Full disclosure. 1) I’m a comfort seeking missile! 2) Not only that, but, once the pleasure it over, I tend to steep myself in suffering longer than necessary. 3) I want things to be different. A triple whammy. All human. All universal. Just not necessary.

Here’s the Path that the Buddha offered as the Way out of clinging to pleasure, avoiding discomfort, wanting things to be different, and living with suffering.

The Eightfold Path

1. Right view – What view will put an end to craving, clinging and avoidance?
2. Right intention – What intention will liberate me from suffering?
3. Right speech – What can I say to myself and others?
4. Right action – What action shall I take?
5. Right livelihood – What way do I want to live?
6. Right effort – What effort do I need to make today?
7. Right mindfulness – What can I do to keep mindful?
8. Right concentration – What can I do to concentrate on the path of liberation from suffering?

The Way, the Path to Liberation — also known as Recovery, is step by step. It requires practice, wisdom, honesty, concentration and knowledge.

Hmmmm… Four Noble Truths plus the Eightfold Path equals Twelve! For me, the Twelve Steps could answer every question 1 – 8!

I’m grateful know about the solution and to be working the Steps.

Love & Light,

Valerie