Quiet Time is my key to a sane and useful life. I’ve known this for many years, but didn’t get a daily individual practice going until recently.

In 1991, I sat in meditation for the first time. Strangely, tears welled up and coursed down my face as I sat in a group of experienced meditators at a Buddhist temple. No story rose up to explain the tears. I only heard one word repeating over and over again. Loss… loss… loss.

I was overweight at that time and in the first two weeks of sitting, 20 pounds fell off my body. Stillness was opening me up to true feelings, including unexpressed grief and deepest desires. I didn’t really want sweets to eat. I wanted the sweetness of unconditional love from other people and a connection to the Goodness of the Universe.

I lost 85 pounds during that first year of meditation. I kept it off for the 6 years of sitting. As my life grew happier and more contented, I stopped sitting. And the weight began to come back on. It didn’t take long.

So, when I first came to my 12-step program for food addiction and heard that 30 minutes of daily Quiet Time was one of the tools of the program, I knew there was a wisdom here that made sense to me.

Still, for several years in program I only sat off and on, and rarely for the full 30 minutes. I would occasionally meditate while washing the dishes or walking the dog or sitting on the metro. I knew that the more I sat, the more insights came up, the more honest I was with myself and others, and the more free I felt. I saw my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judgment; so, it was much easier for me to let go of character traits that no longer worked for me and the excess weight on my body. And yet, I just couldn’t seem to get that daily practice going. I was too afraid.

I was afraid of feeling emotions and physical sensations. That’s why I ate, after all — to tamp down any discomfort.

Thirteen days ago, I hit a new low. I had a break that involved a food and alcohol binge. My sponsor and grandmother sponsor came up with a plan. Now, I really had to do all of the tools of the program every day, including Quiet Time.

On the first day, I told myself to turn right to the sofa instead of left to the computer and sit for any length of time, even if it was 15 seconds. I did it. I actually sat for 30 minutes. I’ve done 30 minutes of Quiet Time for 10 out of the 12 mornings since then.

First, I kneel and bow three times. I say my simple prayers, and turn for guidance towards Higher Power (Buddha), the teachings (Dhamma) and my fellowship (Sangha).

Then, I sit cross-legged on the sofa with a cushion behind my back, a beautiful shawl around me, my watch next to me, and Miranda the Labradoodle on the floor in front of me. I close my eyes and pay attention to the touching sensation of breath at the nostrils. I watch thoughts and sensations as if they were a passing train. Sometimes, I open my eyes and look outside at Nature. I listen to the birds.

I’ve kept my abstinence over the last 12 days. Thank G-d! I am letting go of unhealthy habits and I know that they are not me. They are conditioning. I am letting go of catastrophizing, and I am still me. I am letting go of fantasizing and pretending, and I am still me. I am letting go of procrastinating, and I am still me. I am letting go of eating to soothe my feelings, and I am still me, still alive, and still happy most of the time. I am letting go of excess weight, and I am still me and I am safe and secure.

I’m grateful. Very grateful.

Love & Light,

Valerie