My unconscious was waving at me in recent weeks… through my dreams and other signs. Something hidden in the dark wanted to be revealed. Love was looking for a way. I did what I could to ignore the messages.
One by one, I drifted from the daily habits that give me clarity. Quiet Time one day and not the next. Forgetting to read the 24 Hour a Day book. Making calls to 12-step fellows haphazardly. Mostly praying, but without acts.
Gradually, almost imperceptibly, I devolved into fragments of myself. Fear and inner conflict crept in. Negative thoughts and catastrophizing were up, up, up. I kept trying to control one side of me with the other side of me.
You can imagine what happened. Over the holiday, I leapt into the food.
The first twenty minutes of my break were thrilling! I was in the kitchen with my sister. I said, “Here’s my happy dance!” Of course, with my bum leg and a little alcohol on board, I’m sure my happy dance looked more like a drunken pirate dance.
It didn’t take very long for clarity to go and the obsession to kick in. I was swirling in and out of having a great time with the family and feeling bad about myself. I was feeling cut off from my strength and hope, and unwilling to accept my vulnerability and remorse. The idea of making calls to my 12-step fellows came to me and went. I couldn’t look at the situation and meet the challenge directly as a whole human being.
What helped? I spoke to my sponsor and told the truth. She loved me anyway and asked me about my goal. My goal? To do the tools of the program? She reminded me that my goal is to be “happy, joyous and free.” Oh yes. What a relief.
I know what it feels like to be happy, joyous and free. It’s not inebriation. It can happen in the worst of times. It happens when I face the uncomfortable realities in the real world; when I understand what life and health are asking of me now; when I face challenges, and take the necessary steps, and accept myself unconditionally, without judgment, even when I fail.
I am not perfect. I am strong, beautiful, hopeful and kind. I am broken, fragile, resentful and guilty. These are all parts of me. I don’t need to stamp out any of these parts. I can stand among all of these parts in awe and tenderness. I am not overcome by my imperfection. I can be safe and loved as a whole person.
I’m not a food addict above all else. It’s not my calling. It’s a part of who I am. Sometimes I let myself and others down. That’s what I call a mistake. Sometimes I’m foolish. Sometimes life happens. And, continuous recovery, abstinence and peace are still possible… even likely!
I’m learning about the places that are rough… learning how to make them smooth… taking the steps back to center. Thanks to my Higher Power. Thanks to the love and wisdom of my family, friends, fellows, sponsor, and therapist. Thanks to the beauty in Nature.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Illustration: Searching for Mr. Fox. See http://kristianaparn.com
love this honesty and love you, my dear girlfriend! <3
Thank you, dear Susan. Love you, too. Hope you are all bundled up and cozy. Happy New Year! <3
Love & Light,
Valerie
Imperfection can ROCK!! I couldn’t recognize perfection without it. I don’t believe that any of us are ever perfect — that’s not a goal that I can strive for. Happy, joyous and free — that I can endorse. The hard part is for each of us to find the right combination of ingredients to make that happen and sustain it. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Hi Catherine,
YOU are rocking!
Love & Light,
Valerie
Dearest Valerie,
You are courageous beyond measure, stronger than moi, beautiful, bright, and a shining beacon of light. The path we walk is slippery … for all of us. Certainly is for me. We do the best we can. And when we fail, because we will occasionally fail, we pick ourselves back up, dust off the tears and embrace a new day.
May our failures show us our humanity and send gentle tsunamis of love out into the Universe. We are full and expanding beings of light experiencing and expressing our desire to just feel good.
Blessings,
Francesca
Dearest Francesca,
It was so lovely to see you yesterday and feel that wave of Love and Light you send gently into the Universe.
Thank you for your wise and beautiful words.
Yes. I just want to feel good… and that’s alright.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Dearest Valerie,
You are the sweetest and dearest for sharing so honestly about this damn addiction. Your vulnerability gives me courage for some reason I can’t quite explain. I have been where you are and I know exactly how it feels. I am with you!
Katie
Dear Katie,
I am lifted up by you! Your expressions of encouragement give me courage to find my voice.
Thank you.
Love & Light,
Valerie
It so beautiful when there is a way to be vulnerable without being judged…to be guilty without feeling shame, and to have a problem without being the problem. Thanks.
Dear Bob,
You said it, Brother. It is so beautiful that it’s nearly beyond my ken. Your words are going into my repertoire: “There is a way to be vulnerable without being judged…to be guilty without feeling shame, and to have a problem without being the problem.”
Thank you.
Love & Light,
Valerie
your art work displayed is always breathtakingly beautiful and says a lot about who you are and we, that you are talking to. Thank you. Tender filing down the rough edges, I will hold on to that as well.
Thanks, dear Nicola. We were blessed to meet the artist in NYC at the Union Square Holiday Market. She’s from Estonia and perfectly lovely. She told us about the folk tales from whence comes her art.
I hope to listen to your radio show this Saturday. Do I have this right?
(W)holy Cultural
WSHC Shepherdstown
89.7 fm
streaming live 10 to 12 noon
Jan 5th
Love & Light,
Valerie
Valarie,
I recently read a great book on the topic of vulnerability and how our efforts to avoid being vulnerable can lead to, among other things, addictions. The courage to be vulnerable can transform us. It is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Google her name for her TED talk too, which is marvelous and will give you the flavor of the book.
Happy New Year,
Bob
Hi Bob,
I remember listening to Brene Brown when her TED talk first came out (2010). Getting her book is a great idea. It’s wonderful that we have access to this wisdom.
Thanks for the reminder!
Love & Light,
Valerie
so now you are back, making “the crooked straight, and the rough places plain! you are on a heroic journey as are all our fellow-FA’ers. be of good cheer! many hugs, mom
Thanks, Mom!! Thank you for the heroic journey, the good cheer, and the many hugs!
Love & Light,
Valerie
Valerie,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and introspective words. All of your posts give me the chizuk (strength) to solider on. I’m not quite at the place you are, but one day hope to be. Thank you for everything you put out into the world.
Happy New Year,
Rachel (Melanie & Barry’s friend)
Dear Rachel,
Happy New Year!
Thank you so very much for your message. You made me smile and gave me chizuk!
We say, whoever got up earliest this morning has the longest abstinence. So, my abstinence of 1 day is no greater than the abstinence of my fellows who have been in continuous Recovery for 20 years.
We’re all on the same bus together, helping each other out… one day at a time.
Love & Light,
Valerie