Before the accident my eating practice had been easy for several years. Continuous abstinence felt creative and pleasurable. I wondered if that was OK. Shouldn’t my spiritual discipline feel rigorous… as it did in the beginning of my 12-step program for food addiction?
After the accident, I wasn’t fed for a long period. Then I was on a tube feeding. Then it took months to recover from daily nausea and to regain my appetite. Naturally, I lost weight. I ended up 30 pounds under my right size. So, I was supposed to eat whatever I could eat, whenever I wanted to eat.
Once I returned to my right size, I gladly turned to my 12-step program for food addiction. Gradually, I took up the tools and I was guided back onto the straight path. I was not perfect, but I was making progress. I stepped off the path occasionally, and my sponsor made sure that I was gentle with myself. It was important to look at those breaks and learn from them; but we agreed that judgment, guilt, fear, anger, and loneliness were not helpful or healing.
Lately, I’ve notice a haphazard quality to my eating practice. My wanderings off the straight path have increased in frequency and quantity. Food has taken on a life of its own. The judge is rising up and saying bad things about me. I am worrying.
My sponsor tells me to surrender. I ask, “What am I surrendering to? The rigidity of the program?”
She says, “Surrender for… not surrender to. Surrender for serenity.”
She also gives me the practical suggestions – to write down my food every night for the next day; make three outreach calls a day; prepare for risky situations; and to practice those actions that keep me in the solution.
This means I’m going back into a rigorous spiritual discipline.
Today, I’m admitting that I’m powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable. I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I am turning my will and my life over to the care of G-d as I understand Him.
Friends, would you say a little prayer for me?
Love & Light,
Valerie
Sending you positive thoughts, energy and prayers my friend.
Thank you, Terri. See you soon! I’m imagining the fun we’ll have together on the Big Day. I have some ideas. More later. Love & Light, Valerie
Last night on my way home from Politics and Prose which is where I go when Reina comes to clean my house, I kept being drawn to a meal at a restaurant because I was tired and didn’t want to cook. Suddenly, (no kidding!) your challenges this past year and a half came clearly to my mind, and your courage and determination to retun to the good care you are striving to regain sent me home to eat a simple sustaining meal. YOu are a model for me, and I have no fear for your future well-being. Love, mom
Hi Mom, What a great story! Thank you for your love and confidence in me. Love & Light, Valerie
Holding you in God’s healing light. I agree with your sponsor. Surrender for Shalom/peace/well being.
Dear Darlene, Thank you for more words to remind me of what it’s all for. Shalom, peace, well being. Love & Light, Valerie
Valerie,
I look forward so much, to reading your Cup of Kindness blogs. They have been very special to me in following your recovery. My thoughts and prayers continues to be with you, but especially now as you try to get “back on the straight and narrow”. You’ll make it, I have no fear in your stability and persistence.
Fondly,
Theolyn
Thank you so much, Theolyn. Your words “stability and persistence” made me sit up tall and plant my feet. Now, to my weighed and measured lunch. Yum! Love & Light, Valerie
I saw your note on FB…and yes I agree you are finding your way….and I hope it is gentle and loving. A cup of kindness seems just right. Even weighed and measured food can be “fun” and joyful, spicy, tangly, delectable….and healthy. At the Inward Bound retreat at Meeting yesterday there were many choices to make, which creative and spiritual practices to choose…similar to the choices about food. I trust that as long as we keep paying attention, keep connected to Spirit and supportive others we will be given the tools to make wise choices. Your witness about how you work In such a disciplined manner around your food choices is a wonderful outreach to others. Blessings on your day…carol
Dear Carol, Thank you for your uplifting, joyful message. I’m especially moved by “creative and spiritual practices to choose” and your trust in being given what we need. Today, I’m choosing the creative and spiritual practice of three weighed and measured meals, no flour, no sugar and nothing in between. I will pay attention, keep connected to Spirit and support others. I will use the tools that I am given. Love & Light, Valerie
Dear Valerie,
Holding you in light and love. May that spirit of joy that surprises us in our ordinary daily lives surround you and ground you when you need it.
With gratitude for your open and connecting spirit,
Deborah
Dear Deborah, Your words are soothing my soul this morning. I’m going to sit with them now for 12 breaths. Thank you. Love & Light, Valerie