Malawi photo by Dana of half-eaten mango left behind by monkey. Reminds me of my monkey-mind.

I’m a slow learner and a fast forgetter.

If I don’t remind myself regularly of who I am “in the food” I start thinking I can go out and do a little research on my own. Research is a very slippery slope for me. The slippery slope leads to the bakery twice a day, an easily distracted, foggy mind and the obsession with food that was such a big part of my life before January 2007 when I first encountered a 12-step program for food addiction.

I thought I had power over food. I was the one who chose it, bought it, cooked it, and ate it. Food was one of the few places I exerted power five or ten times a day.

And yet,

• I wanted to stop eating, but couldn’t.
• I thought about food and my weight constantly.
• I attempted one diet after another with no lasting success.
• I was approached by others with concern about my weight.
• I had no idea why I was overweight. I never ate a lot at one sitting. (I just ate all day long. There was breakfast at home; a pastry and a latte on the way to work; lunch in a restaurant; a latte in the afternoon with a cookie; an 8 oz vodka martini before dinner; a glass or two of wine with dinner — usually carry-out; and dessert, of course.)
• I ate to soothe my feelings.
• I ate to fall asleep.
• I ate to wake up.
• I was always ready to eat more, but rarely hungry.
• I regretted what I ate.
• I was always fantasizing about what my life would be like once I lost the weight.
• I wanted to look different, to wear an average size, but I didn’t really think it would be possible.
• I was willing to constantly fantasize about it, but why do anything when it would result in failure?
• Every night I resolved to start the next diet in the morning. By the time I woke up, the resolve had disappeared.

That was life “in the food.” A jumpy monkey mind. A bite here. A bite there. Easily distracted.

The weighed and measured life is beautiful, wide-open spaces. I’ve never been happier. The right-size body and the size 8 clothes on my 6 foot frame feel very good. The freedom from the obsession with food and weight feels even better. It’s a much richer life.

A few months after I had reached my goal weight, I was falling asleep and the thought came, “If only I could wake up thin.” Suddenly, I sat up in bed laughing and said out loud, “Wait a minute, I am thin!” I was flooded with gratitude.

Love & Light,

Valerie