It’s been 18 months since my last post — a challenging time that has included the “fading away” (as she called it) of our beloved mama Myra. She was a beautiful presence to the very end — crazy-making and delightful, profound and silly. Here’s a montage of photos with her lovely voice singing a favorite Yiddish song and our late father Toby accompanying her. Here’s a video of the memorial service that celebrated her life.

During those difficult months of Mom’s decline and world events that seemed to lift the lid on Pandora’s Box, rather than doubling down on the tools of the 12-step program that have gentled my mind, eased my heart, and given me a firm footing for life as it happens, I gradually let them go and slowly but surely picked up food and alcohol. While I remain in a right-size body, there is a renewal I am seeking in my mental, physical and spiritual Recovery.

I’m feeling pulled into the New Year by a Force for Love. I no longer make resolutions. Instead, as my 12-step sponsor has suggested, I’ve looked for what will keep inspiring me to practice daily and match my actions to the intentions that I set.

Inspiration arrived recently in the form of a piece written by my 12-step friend R. on her CaringBridge site. Here it is:

“Many cancer patients go into battle with cancer. I decided that I would let my health care professionals take up the battle (they are trained and equipped to do that) and instead I would focus my attention on what my experience with cancer is teaching me. Battles wear me out. As I have an unending fascination with learning, I think that assuming a posture of learning better suits me.”

This message took my breath away. Each day since reading her post, at the beginning of my Quiet Time I’ve said to myself, “I’m sitting in a posture of learning.” This reminds me that I don’t have to figure it all out or control what happens next.

I’m just presenting myself as a student. I’m trusting in a Companioning Presence, a Counselor to guide me. I’m paying attention to a Divine Healer for a Guiding Spirit and a Heart of Love. I’m open to Grace and to Infinite Love. The Mystery is my Teacher. Oneness with All, Peace, Silence, and Truth are my Treasure. The Unknowable, Wondrous, Word, and Will enter in… as long as I am in a posture of learning.

Love & Light,

Valerie

CaringBridge is an online tool that connects patients, caregivers, families and friends — to share information about their day-to-day experience, and to provide a place for others to post messages of support.