I want to wean off of the anti-depressant Cymbalta. The next step is to set up an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about it… but I’m afraid.

In recent months, every few days, life has been interrupted with unnamed dread. In those moments, I’ve resisted and quickly come back to normal.

Last week, I was in a session with Kate, the therapist who’s been treating me for PTSD. We were talking and I was interrupted by the unnamed dread. She asked me to stay with it. I put up my hands in the Universal Sign of No and backed into the sofa. Then I did what she suggested.

The words for the sensation were “I’m being shredded from the Universe. An unseen hand is snipping me out of It.” As I stayed with the discomfort, the felt sense was of disconnection, separation from Everything, including my Self.

Then, in my imagination, I grabbed a fistful of the Universe and began to weave my Self back in. In a moment, I was fine and I came to an understanding.

The experience of disconnection was the worst part of my accident. It may be that these feelings are coming up now because I’m getting ready, at this point in my Recovery, to greet the feelings… embrace them… and allow them to transform.

Like the idea of coming off the Cymbalta, I tremble. Like the idea of Abstinence, of three weighed and measured meals a day, with nothing in between and no flour or sugar, I tremble. I quake.

Quaking is my Universal Sign that transformation is on the way. For me, sitting with the quaking requires trust in G-d that a way to progress is opening. Resisting the quaking, trembling waves of discomfort only keeps me struggling for a longer time.

G-d, grant me the Courage to change… to weave my Self a new pattern.

Love & Light,

Valerie