Seven weeks ago I went off the rails with the food. One bite of trail mix in the car on the way to the beach, led to half a milkshake that afternoon, a sticky bun the next morning, a margarita at lunch, chocolate cake for dessert, and then an afternoon and evening of tortilla chips and gin. I was right back into the same eating and drinking I was doing before I came into my 12-step program for food addiction in January 2007.
My Recovery, sponsees, service positions, sharing in meetings… crossed my mind, but didn’t alter my course. At a certain point I wanted to stop, but could not. Only when I started to feel physically sick was I able to finally stop. That night, it became very clear to me that it was time for a reset. I let my sponsor know what happened and I resumed my abstinence, starting again from Day One.
For six weeks, I would have several days in a row of my three weighed and measured meals, no flour, no sugar and nothing in between… feeling happy, satisfied and clear. Then some occasion would put wine and dessert in my proximity. There wasn’t a moment’s pause. As soon as I saw it, the glass of wine was in my hand and sweets on my plate. I wondered if I would ever experience contented, continuous abstinence again. I began to fear that I would gain 90+ pounds back and I would lose the progress I had made spiritually, mentally, and in my relationships.
I thought that last week would be more of the same… if not worse.
I had an important meeting on Tuesday of a Quaker committee that I clerk. My father-in-law’s memorial service was on Wednesday, followed by a lunch for 34 people at my mom’s apartment. We hosted a family lunch on Thursday, and then a small gathering for my husband’s birthday that evening. I had worked hard to help put together all of these events. I was anxious and there was flour and sugar everywhere.
I made it through abstinently! What a surprise! Staying abstinent didn’t seem very important to me. I wasn’t feeling desperate. Part of me was expecting to eat and drink whatever was available.
What made the difference? Even though I really didn’t want to, I took action.
I half-heartedly asked for support from fellows. I accidentally bookended the main event with calls. I asked G-d for help… even though I didn’t really want it. I mechanically said the Serenity Prayer. I repeated a message to myself that the chaplain shared during my father-in-law’s memorial service. He said, “Other people are walking in our footsteps.”
Taking these actions, even without a very strong intention, worked! I had moments of craving and was able to pause long enough to ponder the effects. And the craving lifted.
Now that the stressful events of this week are past, I’m watching for the tail of the dragon.
I’m not focusing on fear or aiming for perfection. I’m reminding myself that I feel happy, joyous and free when I keep my food clean and my actions honest.
For a long time I had easy, uncomplicated, clean, contented abstinence. There’s a part of me that would love to have that back.
So, just for today, I’ll set my intention to remain abstinent in order to make that muscle a bit stronger and more familiar.
This is Day Nine, thank Goodness.
It’s July Fourth. Happy Independence Day!
Love & Light,
Valerie
That is truly powerful……
Thank you, Jean. Your words are very encouraging.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Thank you for your honesty and frankness. I take such strength from you Valerie.
Happy day nine,
Rachel
Rachel! Thank you so much for your comment and your recent call! Let’s get together soon. I’ll give you a ring today.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Valerie,
I admire your strength. Inner strength for self preservation. Inherently you knew it was a mis-step not a fatal uncontested choice you had made. A bit of confidence for Valerie and her mission in sharing. You have survived far too much.
Stepping off your path isn’t fatal unless you careen into the abyss without your inner voice’s parachute. Everyday is a struggle for one’s self with a moral fight to achieve something higher then the self something that will leave an imprint. Self is not enough in today’s solemnity unless we get outside our own issues that mask a need to join our fellow man and work on strength of character. Stand for ourselves and for those others that need us!
It’s in our character this our uniqueness that keeps us part of the rituals of life. We must heal ourselves and heal others in order to achieve a better place for all.
Please never question your direction unless you give up your own self, Your self is too defined by the special uniqueness that makes you you. Continue then on to give back through yourself and share further this path a bit to make the world a better place too.
We all need to see a bigger picture of struggle…get a perspective on self and gratitude for our ability to make choices.
Love and stay humble….
Hello Serene,
Many thanks for your profound words. You have opened up several windows for fresh ideas and new points of view.
In a way I’ve been lucky to experience my own strength for self-preservation… and my fragility. It was not an experience that I would wish on anyone, but the self-knowledge has availed me some sense of resilience.
However, this break, more than any other, did make me fear that I had made an uncontested choice that could ruin me. I think you are correct though, that deep down I knew it was a mis-step, and a way to learn more in Recovery.
I like your “inner voice’s parachute.” I forgot I had it on, but had enough practice under my belt to pull the ripcord.
That piece I heard from the pastor about “Other people are walking in our footsteps,” woke up that part of me willing to get outside my own issues and join our fellows in our work on strength of character.
As you say, “we must heal ourselves and heal others in order to achieve a better place for all.” The Bodhisattva promise.
I like your suggestion, “Please never question your direction unless you give up your own self… ” And, “… give back through yourself… ”
Many thanks!
Love & Light,
Valerie
I fall off the cliff every day. At 84 I think I have to look at food and keep in mind that I am attempting to stay well with an alert mind and a healthy body. I’m going to try again. love, mom
Hi Mom,
Nice to see you here! Yes, it’s a daily practice for me, too, with much the same motivation. I want to stay well with an alert mind and a healthy body.
I’ll be on the path with you today.
Love & Light,
Valerie
Happy day after Independence Day … hope yours was swell!
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable truth. I truly believe you will get that easy, uncomplicated, clean, contented abstinence back. Sooner than you imagine, too. Going through the motions can sometimes be enough until everything else engages, doncha think … and maybe that “engagement muscle” is just waiting for a workout!
Much love to you,
Em
Hi Em,
Your confidence in my Recovery is lifting me up and grounding me at the same time. Thank you!
Yes, that engagement muscle is waking up again. As I keep going through the motions and asking for help I can feel more faith coming through that I’m going in the right way. I’m starting to feel like a better me again.
This will be work for a while. I’ll keep doing it.
Thank you for everything!
Love & Light,
Valerie
Smiley face goes here!
Hi Valerie,
I am in awe of your courage and determination to get yourself back on track to feeling good about yourself, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. I am impressed by the strength you appear to have gained since I 1st began following your journey. You like who you had become and you are showing a love and patience and willingness to forgive yourself and accept that you can begin anew. I cannot comprehend how difficult it must be to ignore intense cravings. My hat has been flung high in the air to honor you!
Dear Liz,
Thank you! It’s so helpful to know that others see me making progress. Seeing my self change is quite a challenge. A reflection in the eyes of others helps.
I am in awe of our human potential to change and of the tools and techniques on offer out there.
Yes. It takes some courage and determination and work on my part to sit in discomfort temporarily and not soothe my symptoms with flour, sugar and quantities. However, it may not be as challenging as others might think. I do my 1% and our Program of Recovery does the rest.
My 12-step fellows are a daily inspiration. My sponsor shows me that she likes who I am and shows love and patience and willingness to forgive me and accept that I can begin anew. In this way, I’m able to better like myself and show myself love and patience and willingness to forgive myself and accept that I can begin anew.
I love the image of us flinging our hats high in the air to honor each other! Thank you!!!
Love & Light,
Valerie
Valerie, you have written a very powerful tribute to you and what your mind and body are capable of. Yes, I’m sure it was frightening as you were going thru it – not knowing exactly how you would /could continue. But your inner strength took over and you came thru it, not without personal turmoil. This continues to make you stronger and with a deeper faith of what you are capable of doing, especially in stressful situations.
You have made such remarkable progress over the past years – keep in mind that each day a new you is in charge!
Fondly, Theolyn
Dear Theolyn,
Thank you very much for your deep listening and understanding. I am very grateful for your validation and empathy. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I love your encouragement to “keep in mind that each day a new you is in charge!” I will keep these words front and center.
Love & Light,
Valerie