Last week I was at the gym, looking in the mirror, standing on one leg with Carrie, my trainer/physical therapist, behind me, lightly holding onto my hips. As I fell out of the pose it struck me that this was a metaphor for something. I couldn’t say what that “something” was.

At the time, I asked myself, could this standing on one leg be a metaphor for finding the right balance between the energies of rooting down and lifting up? Could be, but doesn’t feel true. Could it be about finding the right balance of activity and rest? Maybe, but not really. What about the right balance of physical, mental, relational and spiritual practices? Would my food life be perfect with the right balance of the 12 steps, the tools of the program, protein, grain, fruit and vegetables?

This afternoon, I was eating lunch and I remembered that balance pose at the gym. Actually, I remembered falling out of the pose, catching myself, laughing with Carrie, and trying it again… and again… and again. The metaphor was not in the balance. It was in the falling, catching myself, laughing, and trying again with the help of a friend.

I love how I feel when I’m abstinent, eating three weighed and measured meals a day, no flour, no sugar and nothing in between. There is an ease about it. It’s standing on one foot, rooted, grounded, balanced, without judgment, without effort, without clinging or aversion, and trusting that the structure of my food program will hold me. I am grateful. However, that’s not where I am all of the time.

There’s a big part of me that thinks I can force my imperfect body, mind and spirit into perfect alignment; and that any mistakes are my fault. If I felt that way while trying to stand on one foot, I’d be sprawled on the floor in a hot second; no catching myself and no laughing allowed.

Now I’m getting it. We are told that “white knuckling it” doesn’t help. We are told “progress not perfection.” We are told to “ask for help” and “keep coming back.” We are told to “wait for the miracles.”

I can enjoy the time that I am abstinent. And I can notice what’s happening on the way out of balance with gentle attention. I can talk about it with my sponsor and my fellows. I can can trust that releasing into the tools will provide the structure for transformation.

Right now, it feels good to know that I don’t have to struggle with Recovery. The more I “act as if”, the more I improve, and the more my life improves.

Actually, maybe my food program is a metaphor for standing on one leg. The more I go back to the gym and work with Carrie, the more my balance improves.

What about you?

Love & Light,

Valerie