Gregory took this photo of me and my niece, Emily, at the St. Gaudens estate in New Hampshire.

I want my continuous abstinence back. It’s 3:56am. I’ve been tossing and turning for a couple of hours, obsessing about food just the way I used to. I gave away my abstinence from flour, sugar and alcohol over Christmas weekend and then again around the 1-year anniversary of my accident.

It was research. Could I eat sweets in moderation? Could I have a glass of wine a couple of times a week? The answer is no.

Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to walk back through the fences that have protected me in the past and close the gates behind me.

The first fence is writing down my food every evening for the next day and committing it to my sponsor.

The second fence is attending three 12-step meetings a week.

The third fence is making three phone calls a day to my 12-step fellows.

The fourth fence is eating three weighed and measured meals a day, no flour or sugar, and nothing in between.

The fifth fence is being honest, continuing to tell my sponsor and you the truth of my experience.

The sixth fence is prayer. A friend recently gave me a book by Joshua O. Haberman called Healing Psalms: The Dialogues with God that Help You Cope with Life. I’ll read one of the 150 songs of praise a day and I’ll say the Serenity Prayer when I wake up, when I go to bed and as often as it calls to me.

The seventh fence is 30 minutes of Quiet Time every morning from 7:30 – 8:00am. This is the one gate I must not open. By residing with this fence around me I am protected by it and all the other fences or practices.

Here’s my food for today:

Breakfast – 2 oz Ezekiel cereal, 1 oz slivered almonds, 6 oz yogurt, 2 oz soy milk in my coffee, 1 grapefruit

Lunch – 4 oz tuna, 4 oz boiled white potato, 6 oz French green beans, 8 oz salad, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1/3 tablespoon balsamic vinegar, and a little Dijon mustard, 1 apple

Dinner – 4 oz turkey burger, 4 oz brown rice, 6 oz eggplant, 8 oz salad, 1 tablespoon olive oil, squeeze lemon, 1 banana

OK. What finally got me out of bed to write this was remembering the story shared with me yesterday by my neighbor Judith. She was a Jewish girl in Germany. The day after Kristallnacht her sister found a way to get her out of the country. Judith says that every day since then has been a blessing. So, she has to do her water aerobics and she wants to learn about yoga breathing to honor the effort her sister made to keep her alive.

Many people made great effort to keep me alive and to help me recover. My effort will be to stay abstinent as a living prayer of thanks. I will not be perfect, but I hope to make progress.

I’m going back to bed praying for a Grateful Heart and an Abstinent Day and saying…

G-d, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Love & Light,

Valerie