Charlie Chaplin and Helen Keller on the set of Sunnyside, 1918.

I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. But was that what I really wanted?

I used to want something to eat all of the time. I went from one entertaining nosh to the next, with barely a breath in between. It was a bean burrito for breakfast, a croissant and latte on the way to work, then the Indian buffet for lunch, and a big cookie to keep me going in the afternoon, a drink on the way home (so that I’d be hungry for dinner), an 8 ounce martini ASAP after getting in the door, expensive carry-out for dinner with a glass to a half bottle of wine, finishing up with ice cream so that I would get a good night’s sleep. I’m surprised I wasn’t unconscious. Actually, I probably was unconscious… no probably about it.

What was I thinking? I thought I was eating healthily. How could I possibly think that I was eating healthily? I hardly ever ate a salad or a piece of fruit.

I wasn’t thinking. I was distracting myself, but from what?

Once I put down the food, I started to feel my feelings — fear and sadness during the first two weeks, anger in the third week and then the daily natural mix of emotions that come and go.

The 12 Steps and my fellows helped to kick start a growing up process that had gotten stalled way back when. A mental fog lifted with abstinence from flour, sugar and quantities — my drugs of choice. I learned that I was a food addict and that there was a solution.

My outlook on life changed.

Rather than wanting that lovely, decorated cupcake in the window, I began to notice a deeper desire. The one that had been too scary to contemplate. The real, deep desire was for relationship… with my self, my Self, the ones I love, other sentient beings, Nature, and G-d or Basic Goodness.

I began to explore my new-found interest in connection. It was like falling in love. I began to know peace, freedom, happiness, and Recovery. Today I realize that G-d was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I’m grateful and I pray for all sentient beings… including my self… that we may be well, happy and peaceful.

Love & Light,

Valerie